Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the GOP’s Voldemort, the Dark Lord and villain of the Harry Potter children’s book series.

Debra J. Saunders

By Debra J. Saunders
Saturday, July 11, 2015

Donald Trump is the GOP’s Voldemort, the Dark Lord and villain of the Harry Potter children’s book series. To thinking Republicans who don’t want to go through another circle of hell like the 2012 presidential primary, Trump is He Who Must Not Be Named. When a partisan mistakenly utters his name, media dementors — soulless creatures who sail through the airwaves — pop out from nowhere and suck the oxygen out of the hapless offender. Helpless and filled with dread, some victims die, while others slip into nothingness. The dementors will not relent. They want to turn the primary into a pain-inducing referendum on the Dark Lord.

Mexicans are Trump’s Muggles — that’s author J.K. Rowling’s word for humans with no knack for magic. Trump, 69, rails about Mexicans and undocumented immigrants all time. When he announced June 16 he was running for president, he called them criminals, drug dealers and rapists.

Just as Voldemort thought he could get even some intrepid students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to follow him after he schemed against them, Trump believes he can win over the Latino vote, or so he told NBC.

Voldemort was a birther. He used a slur — mudbloods — for wizards and witches born to Muggles. Likewise in 2011, Trump demanded that President Obama produce his birth certificate. Quoth the Donald: “Obama may have one but there is something on that birth certificate — maybe religion, maybe it says he’s a Muslim, I don’t know.” Trump’s speculation came out of thin air, yet almost as quickly as the “accio” summoning spell, Trump’s challenge prompted the White House to produce said document.

Minister of Tragic Reince Priebus has tried to keep peace in the Republican land, but Trump knows how to hex party harmony. Priebus called Trump to ask him to tone down his language about Mexicans and immigrants. Trump flourished his wand and turned the party chief’s verbal cuffing into “more of a congratulatory call than anything else.” Priebus lacks the wand-width to blast Trump with the Expulso Curse.

In his bid to attain immortality, Trump channeled morsels of his damaged soul into random vessels, called horcruxes. Their names are (ex-wife) Ivana, (ex-wife) Marla, (future ex-wife) Melania and his reality show, “The Apprentice.” They share an incantation, “You’re fired.” As added protection, Trump keeps his fifth horcrux close to him. It is his hair, which glides snakelike alongside Trump wherever the reality TV star slithers.

Like Voldemort, Trump has stumbled in his lifetime. When Voldemort tried to kill a baby Harry Potter, it was Voldemort who had to go — into hiding, anyway. Trump filed for corporate bankruptcy four times — in 1991, 1992, 2004 and 2009, but never for personal bankruptcy. Like Voldemort’s minions, Trump’s investors paid for his sins. Now Trump says he is worth $9 billion.

To read expanded column, click here.